Monday, April 1, 2013

I never think of a good comeback until it's way too late.

What I'm about to tell you is true. Mostly.

I have had a lot of experiences where people catch me off guard with a word or action, and I just stand there like an idiot, smiling and nodding as though I agree with them, and then, hours, days, weeks later, I think of a good response.

For instance. Hubs and I had our taxes done a few weeks ago. We had to list all of our kids and their social security numbers. We have five kids. yes, I realize this is more than the average. No, I don't care what you think about it. 

The tax preparer laughed and said she was the youngest of six, and then said, "You DO know how that happens, right?"

What I said: Erm, hehe, um, yeah, hahaha! [gulp] haha, hahahaha!

What I should have said: Oh hell yeah! You know, it's a wonder we don't have thousands and thousands of children! Hey honey, I don't think we've ever done the nasty in an H&R Block before, whattaya say we work on baby number six? There's plenty of room on this desk!
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Here's another example. Last year I got a notion in my head that because I could roller skate in a circle, and do fancy crossover turns, and am in general a pretty badass bitch, that I should join the roller derby. Oh, it was a good idea, initially. I was good at skating and learned how to do all these crazy roller derby maneuvers, such as skating along all quick and then wham! Down on one knee like a boss.

But then I ran into a  little issue - a man. Fucking MEN! Screwing shit up everywhere. Anyway, this man was a ref, and he and I had history. Not that kind of history, you pervs. I had worked with him over a decade ago, when we were legal to vote but couldn't yet buy a beer. We'd smoke together on our breaks and once in awhile we'd do some yahoo chatting, because it was the very early 2000s and people used to do that kind of thing.

Apparently only one of us grew up. And it wasn't him.

He added me on facebook, we chatted, all was good. And then he started sexually harassing me. Like, straight up asking for HJs and wanting me to send him pictures of myself. 

What I said: Oh! Hahaha, oh, you're so silly. Hahahaha. Good one! What a funny joke! Hahahaha! Ha!

What I should have said: Honey, I have heels bigger than your dick. Now leave me the fuck alone before I introduce them to your pimply little face.

I blocked the little shit, but I wish I would have said that first.

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Last example. My little brother was killed by a teen driver in a motorcycle accident almost seven months ago. We chose to go to the young man's court dates. The final date was a few weeks ago and was the kid's sentencing. I spoke to the court and then sat down, and when it was all over, the kid's attorney wouldn't leave me alone. Maybe what I said in court touched something in his shriveled black lawyer heart, or maybe he thinks women with shaved hair, large, visible tattoos, and stretched out earlobes are hot.

Anyway, he kept following me around talking to me about nonsense. He told me what year he graduated high school and from where, as though that would impress me. I'm thinking, Great job, dickweed, you graduated high school when I was seven years old. But I'm not saying anything, just standing there with a stupid grin on my face, like I gave two shits about what he was saying.

He crossed the line though, when he started telling me, in detail, about some guy he knew that got killed on a snowmobile. "I know exactly how you feel," he said. "When I was twenty six a buddy of mine..." Blah blah blah.

What I said: .......... 

What I should have said: Listen here, you fat, balding little punk. While your endless drivel about high school and dudes you knew may fascinate the brainless bimbos you've confused me with, I am utterly unimpressed with your lack of professionalism. In case you weren't paying attention, this is my little brother we're talking about and if he weren't lying in a grave due to your client, he'd punch you right in your double chin, just because you look like the kind of guy who deserves it. 

I ended up just turning my back and walking away in the middle of his story, which was probably the right thing to do.